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A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and
by P. J. O'Rourke

A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and
left off for the rest of your life.
Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Feeling good about government is like looking on the
bright side of any catastrophe.
When you quit looking on the bright side,
the catastrophe is still there.
- P. J. O'Rourke

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation,
the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Never wear anything that panics the cat.
- P. J. O'Rourke

 

The good news is that, according to the Obama administration,
the rich will pay for everything.
The bad news is that, according to the Obama administration,
you're rich.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Giving money and power to government is like giving
whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Every government is a parliament of whores.
The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.
- P. J. O'Rourke

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Staying married may have long-term benefits.
You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over
a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.
- P. J. O'Rourke

The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.
- P. J. O'Rourke

There's something about Marxism that brings out warts;
the only kind of growth this economic system encourages.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery
when they aren't present.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Ideology, politics and journalism, which luxuriate in failure,
are impotent in the face of hope and joy.
- P. J. O'Rourke

If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes.
And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.
- P. J. O'Rourke

You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Earnestness is stupidity sent to college.
- P. J. O'Rourke

You may be surprised to discover you're rich,
especially if you're broke.
- P. J. O'Rourke

There's one more terrifying fact about old people:
I'm going to be one soon.
- P. J. O'Rourke

If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health,
slow your mind, make you fat - in other words,
turn you into an adult.
- P. J. O'Rourke

America wasn't founded so that we could all be better.
America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Whatever it is that the government does,
sensible Americans would prefer that the government
does it to somebody else.
This is the idea behind foreign policy.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose
with the exception of guppies,
who like to eat theirs.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights.
Politics are a lousy way to get things done.
Politics are, like God's infinite mercy,
a last resort.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting
dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Children must be considered in a divorce considered
valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Never fight an inanimate object.
- P. J. O'Rourke

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk.
This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve,
when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.
- P. J. O'Rourke

If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer,
a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you've read his autobiography.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Always read something that will make you look good
if you die in the middle of it.
- P. J. O'Rourke

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern,
like bad wallpaper.
- P. J. O'Rourke

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter,
taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn.
The Republicans are the party that says government
doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.
- P. J. O'Rourke

There is only one basic human right,
the right to do as you damn well please.
And with it comes the only basic human duty,
the duty to take the consequences.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.
- P. J. O'Rourke

There is one thing women can never take away from men.
We die sooner.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Even very young children need to be informed about dying.
Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child.
This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
- P. J. O'Rourke

A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative.
Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
- P. J. O'Rourke

You know your children are growing up when they stop
asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Everybody knows how to raise children,
except the people who have them.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools -
and use it on the teachers.
- P. J. O'Rourke

After all, what is your host's purpose in having a
party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself;
if that were their sole purpose,
they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
- P. J. O'Rourke

In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents,
worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office.
And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character.
- P. J. O'Rourke

I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience."
Then again,
I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a "learning experience."
It makes me feel less stupid.
- P. J. O'Rourke

The Clinton administration launched an attack on people
in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns.
Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns.
Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock?
- P. J. O'Rourke

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society.
If we're looking for the source of our troubles,
we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity,
ignorance, greed and love of power.
- P. J. O'Rourke

The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look.
It works in reverse, too.
When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose,
I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Smile broadly, sing loudly,
paint your rooms in bold colors,
search every rabbit hole
for a magical white bunny,
have caviar for breakfast
and oatmeal for dinner,
wear a purple coat with a red hat -
dance lightly with life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Live your life, do your work, then take your hat.
- Henry David Thoreau

Any old place I can hang my hat is home sweet home to me.
- William Jerome

Building art is a synthesis of life in materialised form.
We should try to bring in under the same hat not a
splintered way of thinking,
but all in harmony together.
- Alvar Aalto

Love is the magician that pulls man out of his own hat.
- Ben Hecht

Be an Original, smile broadly, sing loudly,
paint your rooms in bold colors,
search every rabbit hole for a magical white bunny,
have caviar for breakfast and oatmeal for dinner,
wear a purple coat with a red hat, dance lightly with life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I like jazz, but I could never play it.
You just sit there with a guitar the size of a Chevy on your chest,
wearing a stupid hat, playing the same solo for an hour.
- Dave Mustaine

Hey, look at this guy Kenny G. with his thing, walking
up and down the aisles of the concert hall and running
off the stage and playing the same time.
It's old hat!
- Jerome Richardson

When I was a little boy I used to borrow my father's hat,
and make a press card to stick in the hat band.
That was the way reporters were always portrayed in the movies.
- Charles Kuralt

You start out giving your hat, then you give your coat,
then your shirt, then your skin and finally your soul.
- Charles de Gaulle

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain
cancer and work environment.
The No.
1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.
- Jimmy Fallon

My hat was pulled down and this girl said 'Are you
really him?' I whispered 'Yeah,
I'm really him.' She screamed, 'Mom!
Dad!
It's Heath Ledger!
- Josh Hartnett

I thought I would dress in baggy pants,
big shoes, a cane and a derby hat.
everything a contradiction: the pants baggy,
the coat tight, the hat small and the shoes large.
- Charlie Chaplin

For live you need a microphone for the snare and the high hat,
the kick drum, a nice stereo overhead and one for the toms -
you can get away with using four mikes.
- Chad Smith

A crown is merely a hat that lets the rain in.
- Frederick The Great

Sometimes I've looked at a plate of food and wondered
if it wouldn't look better as a hat.
- Janet Street-Porter

To escape jury duty in England, wear a bowler hat and
carry a copy of the Daily telegraph.
- John Mortimer

This is a dream come true.
To wake up in a place that I own and go to work in
New York City as an actor -
I feel like Mary Tyler Moore throwing her friggin' hat in the air.
- Christopher Meloni

We are in the entertaining business,
they want to get autographs,
they want to take something home, whether it's a signed hat or,
you know, program or whatever it might be.
- Bernhard Langer

Be like Curious George, start with a question and look
under the yellow hat to find what's there.
- James Collins

Even if people censure me, they should do so hat in hand.
- Gustav Mahler

A rock'n'roll band needs to be able to get under people's skin.
You should be able to clear the room at the drop of a hat.
- Paul Westerberg


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May the world be kind to you,
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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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