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Ambrose Bierce Quotes and Sayings
Quotes by Ambrose Bierce

I hope you like this page of quotes by Ambrose Bierce from my extensive collection of relationship quotes.

Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and
disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
- Ambrose Bierce

Related topics: Education

Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils,
as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
- Ambrose Bierce

Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows.
- Ambrose Bierce

Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.
Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.
- Ambrose Bierce

 

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master,
a mistress, and two slaves, making in all,
two.
- Ambrose Bierce

The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor
upon the business known as gambling.
- Ambrose Bierce

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
- Ambrose Bierce

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Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power
to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
- Ambrose Bierce

Mad, adj.
Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
- Ambrose Bierce

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
- Ambrose Bierce

Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
- Ambrose Bierce

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit
without individual responsibility.
- Ambrose Bierce

History is an account, mostly false,
of events,
mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers,
mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.
- Ambrose Bierce

Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
- Ambrose Bierce

Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather,
and exposing them to the critic.
- Ambrose Bierce

Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels,
levers and springs, and believes it civilization.
- Ambrose Bierce

Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates
some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
- Ambrose Bierce

Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils
his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.
- Ambrose Bierce

Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.
- Ambrose Bierce

Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.
- Ambrose Bierce

Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
- Ambrose Bierce

Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
- Ambrose Bierce

Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -
who has no gills.
- Ambrose Bierce

Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
- Ambrose Bierce

Experience - the wisdom that enables us to recognise
in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.
- Ambrose Bierce

Laziness.
Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.
- Ambrose Bierce

Trial.
A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record
the blameless characters of judges,
advocates and jurors.
- Ambrose Bierce

Enthusiasm - a distemper of youth, curable by small
doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience.
- Ambrose Bierce

Impartial - unable to perceive any promise of personal
advantage from espousing either side of a controversy.
- Ambrose Bierce

Doubt is the father of invention.
- Ambrose Bierce

I believe we shall come to care about people less and less.
The more people one knows the easier it becomes to replace them.
It's one of the curses of London.
- Ambrose Bierce

Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.
- Ambrose Bierce

Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from a man
who did not particularly care to trace his own.
- Ambrose Bierce

Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and
come out of as a sausage.
- Ambrose Bierce

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves,
and good fortune to others.
- Ambrose Bierce

Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial;
but if honest,
and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead
to full establishment of the truth.
- Ambrose Bierce

Battle, n., A method of untying with the teeth a political
knot that would not yield to the tongue.
- Ambrose Bierce

Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
- Ambrose Bierce

Convent - a place of retirement for women who wish
for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness.
- Ambrose Bierce

Ambition.
An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
- Ambrose Bierce

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded
by exemption from the cares of office.
- Ambrose Bierce

Impiety.
Your irreverence toward my deity.
- Ambrose Bierce

Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary
already sufficiently slippery.
- Ambrose Bierce

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
- Ambrose Bierce

Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread
to determine which side it is buttered on.
- Ambrose Bierce

I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers.
What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.
- Ambrose Bierce

Egotism, n: Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
- Ambrose Bierce

Alien - an American sovereign in his probationary state.
- Ambrose Bierce

Jealous, adj.
Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which
can be lost only if not worth keeping.
- Ambrose Bierce

Liberty: One of Imagination's most precious possessions.
- Ambrose Bierce

Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency,
thinks with his legs.
- Ambrose Bierce

It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man,
always makes him feel better.
- Ambrose Bierce

Prejudice - a vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
- Ambrose Bierce

Destiny: A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure.
- Ambrose Bierce

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.
- Ambrose Bierce

Edible - good to eat and wholesome to digest,
as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake,
a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
- Ambrose Bierce

Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best
prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.
- Ambrose Bierce

Admiral.
That part of a warship which does the talking while
the figurehead does the thinking.
- Ambrose Bierce

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.
- Ambrose Bierce

Abscond - to move in a mysterious way,
commonly with the property of another.
- Ambrose Bierce

Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's
resemblance to ourselves.
- Ambrose Bierce

Spring beckons!
All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.
- Ambrose Bierce

Consul - in American politics, a person who having
failed to secure an office from the people is given
one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.
- Ambrose Bierce

Sabbath - a weekly festival having its origin in the
fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.
- Ambrose Bierce

Dog - a kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed
to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship.
- Ambrose Bierce

Historian - a broad-gauge gossip.
- Ambrose Bierce

Backbite.
To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.
- Ambrose Bierce

Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one
who speaks without knowledge,
of things without parallel.
- Ambrose Bierce

Patriotism.
Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.
- Ambrose Bierce

Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest,
as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake,
a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
- Ambrose Bierce

Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
- Ambrose Bierce


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